Too much ,probably.
I haven't had date or a girlfriend or sex now in 3 years. At this point, this far in, it's obviously a choice I've made, and I know that I have a whole vault of insecurities regarding girls, and maybe sometimes it's just easier to avoid the whole mess entirely, rather than confront that particular wall of issues
The thing that fucks me (intellectually), is that other people are not alone, and really, none of us deserve the women in our lives. There are girls I know that I am attracted too, who are smart and funny and beautiful (and beautiful matters to me), but they are miles out of my league. And they're miles out of everyones league, even though they probably aren't, it always seems like I'm going to like them so much more than they are going to like me. Like, who on earth has the limitless reservoir of awesome it would take to keep her, or her, or her interested. If this girl woke up one day and decided she would conquer the world that afternoon, THERE IS NOTHING ANY OF US COULD DO TO STOP HER.
I think about economics a lot when I think about girls.
I find that I am only attracted to girls who are out of my league, or rather that I feel every girl who is attractive (read: thin and cool) is out my league. I'm always amazed and even more depressed when I meet some of their boyfriends, because I always feel that a) I would be a better partner than they would) and b) if they have been chosen and I have not, and they are boring or dumb or both, then I must be way worse.
There's a lot of girls out there, there's only one of me, it shouldn't be this hard. Clearly I'm doing something wrong, and I'm probably doing it on purpose.
Perpetual loneliness makes you think a lot about economics, and it would seem that I'm not the only one who thinks that way.
I remember I met a girl at a rehearsal for a show I did a long, long time ago, and I made some self loathing remark, and she looked me in the eye and told me straight out that I had said the wrong thing, that heart on the sleeve is the wrong way to live. She said that some people subconsciously feel the need to instantly confess their sins when flirting, either out of guilt or pathos or fear or whatever, but that it was a sure way to freak someone out. She was totally right, I was (unconsciously) trying to flirt with her, and mentioning problems up front to me feels like due diligence, but it's really completely crazy and wrong.
I made profile for myself on a dating site last night, and looking at the maudlin, challenging, and no wave no fun "about me" section, I realized that I have lived my entire romantic life like a melvin's concert,
where they play 10 minutes of skullshattering feedback at the start of every show, to clear out the weak of heart. I've made dating me like the opening of saving private ryan, but haven't given the girls any reason to storm the beaches. The thing is that I'm becoming (or have become) desperately lonely, and the longer I go without love/approval, the harder I make it for a girl to date me. yay! I've doomed myself to misery again! woohoo! sadness equals truth! yeehaa! Radiohead time!
thanks to Facehunter for the pictures of girls
