do you believe in medication?
do you know what it feels like to be disconnected from life? to feel farther and farther from the earth you know with every passing day?
here's a messed up venn diagram to explain the parallel thought processes I have been tracking for the last few hours
what this shows you is that my conscious mind is fucking mess, a mass of a thousand angry snakes trying to decipher quantum physics equations written in braille inside an sensory depravation tank that's been thrown off the top of olympus mons. My conscious brain thinks way to hard, about me, all the time. it overanalyzes life and everything around me trying to figure out the secrets of the universe and in the process I sometimes find myself crippled by depression because at the end of hte day I don't have the secrets of the universe.
my subconcious seems to be a little more aware the real world. Tonight I went to Richards on Richards with everybody and it was super fun but I guess I didn't look happy and so Kat forced me to smile and asked if I was ok as I was leaving and I said yes because that's what you always say. but as I got outside and walked to my car I didn't think any more about her question but I did feel more, and just let my emotions go to the place they wanted to, and once I was suitably depressed and feeling hopeless I realized that in fact I had left because I wasn't ok. I need love and approval and I need it specifically from females, and I need sex because I equate that with love, and when I am at things like that where there are seemingly so many potential partners and none of them give me that attention it makes me think that something is wrong and unattractive about me and that depresses me and makes me think that my own assessment of my self worth is inaccurate and therefore my whole system of organizing the world and my place in it is wrong and therefore I am insane and that depresses me even more. I had total and sincere fun dancing tonight and I am super glad I forced myself to go out but at the end of the night when I am alone in my bed I feel worse than if I had just stayed home. I am so lonely and I can't stop thinking about girls and sex and sex with girls but not like sexy sex, mostly just kissing and napping and cuddling sex. like the way a lovers hand feels on your back on a sunday morning when you've just woken up together and you can stare at each other for what feels like forever just lost in love. that's all I fantasize about now. I don't even look at porn any more, just this picture of this girl in paris france and instead of masturabting I mostly just look at pictures of girls like her and imagine how great it would be to have them be in love with me. this is both pleasurable and emotionally damaging. I just want someone to want me the way I want her.
and yes, as an addendum in regards to that last sentence, I know it's selfish and insane to think that my capacity to love someone is somehow larger or more sincere than any one else in the world and the great tragedy of my life is that I will never truly be happy because I'll never feel a sunshine as bright as the one that emanates from myself. I know conciously that this is not true and I am trying to stop believing it. tomorrow, I will edit this. I'm guessing I will replace all the words and ideas with completely different words and ideas.
