truth

Everything hurts.
Right now tonight I am the closest I have been to stabbing myself in the chest in a long time. that's a lie. I am having the strongest spikes in negative emotion I have had in a long time, and when I'm like, this, I want to stab myself or do something woefully dramatic and be dead and loved. I hate this.
it's just, like, cacaphonus inside right now.

I couldn't put it into words earlier because I lie about it. I'm lying about it right now. I'm trying to make it sound better.
I'm not sad all the time. depression, let;s call it, that choking feeling of hating myself and feeling worthless and embarrassed, is with me always. it's like my shadow. it's like the sound of the air around us. I can't get away from it, but sometimes it's not so bad. and then sometimes it's so loud it drowns out everything else around me. it's like, I'm always feeling hollow, and that hollowness is like a white light white noise, and I see you there talking to me but the white is all I can feel. I want to be a part of it. I want to be popular and I want to be strong and happy and I know everyone loves me and wants me to be that too, but it's like I know all of you are around me holding me but I can't FEEL you, your presence. or maybe it's more that I can't love you back. I don't know. fuck life.

this is about me, not feeling loved, or not feeling anything. or maybe it's about sex, and watching happy couples. part of this is about sex. more of it is probably about respect, and me needing to feel accepted. all of it is in my head. I hate myself. right now, as I type this sentence, I want to die. but that fades. the white fades. and I feel normal for a second then I feel ashamed that I am so crazy and not proud of myself cause I am a joke, I 've made myself a joke I made myself everything I am right now. I hate jokes. why is everyone always so goddamn happy. i am so lonely. I give up. on the ride home tonight in a trance and I'd have these moments where Iwould almost cry and kat and nicole were pretending to be asleep for my sake and I hated my self for being so goddamn weak and I am so sorry to them. and then when they were out of the car I wanted to crash my car, and I did about 140 the whole way home. I couldn't do it though. my impulses to harm myself are strong but they are just that, impulses. my internal logic, the real concious me gave up on suicide at the end of the bad old days.